Goodbye to A Rose

Tonight I said goodbye to a friend. There were no tears, no sad faces, no dramatic gestures, just a hug and a few nice words.

But her departure will leave a big hole in my life and the lives of the other women in our playgroup.

When I met her, I was having a hard time in my life. My first son was nine months old and I was newly pregnant with my second son. I had hardly had time to get myself back together from giving birth, breastfeeding and adjusting to being back at work part time when I found out that I was pregnant again. We wanted to have another one quickly but it was still a surprise that it happened so quickly. My second pregnancy was difficult and I felt sick, tired or angry most of the time. I had also just moved into a new neighborhood and didn't know a soul.

Luckily, a friend of my husband's invited me to an afternoon playgroup during one of my days off. I remember walking in and feeling like the new kid in school, a little nervous and hesitant about my new surroundings.

I don't remember much about that first playgroup gathering but what I do remember is that one of the women in the group went out of her way to make me feel welcome and comfortable. This woman slowly became a friend and confidant.

For the next three years, she was one of the bright spots in my life. She pushed me to do a lot of fun and interesting things that I would not have done by myself (I'm a little bit of a homebody). Also, because of her, I met an incredible group of mothers that showed me how a group of women from different parts of the world with completely different life experiences could come together to form unique and beautiful friendships.

So I'd like to say thank you to her for all her support over the last three years and wish her lots of luck in her next adventure.

I will forever be indebted to you for all you have done for me and my children!

Goodbye my friend.

A Woman of Substance

Do you have a friend that inspires you?

Recently, a woman entered my life that has impressed me with the way she lives her life. And it has been a really pleasant surprise as I'm not that easily impressed.

I expect a lot from myself and also of others in my life but she has surpassed my expectations:

She lives her life with a free and open spirit.

She loves and embraces cultures that are different then hers.

She is kind without compromise.

She is smart without arrogance.

She is strong without aggression.

She stands up for the people and ideas that she believes in while still respecting the views of other.

And she is grateful for the great family and love she has in her life.

I'm thankful for her friendship and her example.

I Need My LOST Fix!

I just saw a preview of the next season of LOST and it rocked! I got goosebumps and was so excited about seeing the next season...until I heard "coming in 2009!"

What? Why are they doing this to us? Why drag it out so long?

They treat us like we're crack addicts, making us beg for just a little taste of that crazy suspense and twilight zone buzz.

I have to admit, I have a love-hate relationship with the show. My husband and I started watching with the very first episode, not knowing what we were getting ourselves into.

I love it SO much that if it's on, I am totally mesmerized and completely focused on the show(don't even try and talk to me!). BUT, by the end of each episode, I get so mad at myself for watching. I'm all anxious about what will happen next and what it all meant. Then I start hating the producers for the twists, turns and complete nuttiness that they thrust upon me. For goodness sake, just tell us what the hell is going on already!!

Every time they open one door, before we have a chance to really enjoy our delicious moment of clarity, ten more mysterious non-sensicle (that's not a word, is it?) doors appear before us. It makes me crazy...but hungry for MORE LOST!

Last season, I told my husband that no matter what I say to NOT let me watch any more episodes. But both of us got sucked in for yet another season.

So now I have to WAIT UNTIL 2009? Are they TRYING to drive me crazy?

If any of the producers happen to stumble onto this post (don't laugh...anything is possible!) I'm begging you, give us more clues, give us more of Jack and Sawyer (Kate's good too but I need my Jack and Sawyer time!)....just give us more LOST and make it quick!

Regrets, I Have A Few

What regrets do you have? I have quite a few. I know regretting things you have done or more importantly not done in your past is completely counterproductive but I can't help thinking about them sometimes.

I love those movies where the protagonist says that they don't have any regrets because everything they've done has brought them to that particular moment (or to the love of their life) or made them the person they are today.

That's not me. I am happy with where I am in my life and feel very lucky to be here but I certainly have regrets; big ones, little ones, short ones, very long ones, trivial ones and life changing ones...basically many many regrets.

I wish I had had the wisdom early in my life to do some things differently. To live my life with much more discipline, courage, and strength.

And now, with the realization of how precious and short life is, I wish I could go back in time and tell my much younger self to be all the things that I now know are so important.

Listen to your gut instincts.

Don't be afraid.

Watch less television.

Do more for others.

Don't feel guilty about enjoying you life.

Respect yourself more.

Paint more.

Write more.

Watch LESS TV!

Sing more.

Dance more.

and finally...

Don't WATCH SO MUCH TV!!!

Today With My Boys

Today was one of those days that makes all the bad days worth it. The bad mommy days. The days where the kids are just beyond unruly and for some reason one or the other is at all times completely unbearable.

Today, the boys were both lit up with joy and ideas. They talked to me and each other and shared their thoughts about the world.

Today, I didn't raise my voice ONCE (I know, it doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment but unfortunately for me it is...with two toddlers running around it's not unusual for me to raise my voice at some time during the day).

Today, I watched my boy take care of his little brother.

Today, I was 100% sure that I made the right decision to stay home.

Today, I was not waiting for my husband get home in the afternoon so he could help me with the kids.

Today, my son showed me the kind of man he could become.

Today, my baby's giggles made me giggle even harder.

Today was a good day.

The Freedom of Silence

There is something so uncomfortable and absolutely exhilarating about silence - no noise, no book, no task, nothing to take your mind away. Your only companion is the silence.

Most of us don't experience real silence that often. In fact, some people are so used to filling all the space in their lives with some kind of noise or distraction, the very notion of total silence is as foreign to them as a country they've never visited.

But even for those of us that do want it and even yearn for it, silence can be hard to handle. At first it's a little bit of a shock to the system. You reach around with your eyes, your ears, your skin for something to grab onto, a noise, a task, a moving story but find nothing. When you realize that you have put yourself in a state of non-distraction, you become agitated and uncomfortable.

Then as you slowly get comfortable with the emptiness like your eyes adjusting to a darkness, you start to gain clarify and discover a kind of freedom. Freedom to explore your untouched thoughts. To go places that you hadn't been in a long time or visit new places you never thought to look.

You start to enjoy this journey and realize why you yearned for this time. You swim around in it and go from one treasured thought to the next not knowing how long to stay with each. You soar through the sky with joy and dive deep into dark places.

And then suddenly, without warning it's all gone. One of life's many distractions has grabbed a hold of you and is demanding your attention. So you answer the call and get back to the world as it is usually lived, with wonderful gifts for your senses to enjoy.

From Talking to Doing

Do you ever feel like you've lost your way? Like you were on track to accomplish something great and somehow you lost your drive or direction?

I have all these great dreams about what I want to do with my life creatively and intellectually and then somehow I get lost in the daily chores of being a mom and wife (both of which I love being) and weeks go by and I realize that I haven't even made one step forward towards any of those dreams.

Then I see something or hear something that lights a flame under me and makes me want to jump in again with full force.

I guess the difference between the people that achieve their goals and the ones that just talk about it is just the doing part. You would think that once you realize that, it would be easy to go from the talking to the doing but it's harder than I ever expected.

So, here I am again reminding myself that it's important to push forward with your dreams and goals no matter how many times you give up or doubt yourself.

A Mother's Touch

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things was when my mother would play with my hair. Just her touch would feel better than anything I knew in my life. I never forgot that feeling. As I grew up and moved away from home, I always yearned for it.

Later in life, during my visits home, I would seek an opportunity to lay my head in her lap hoping that she would just stroke my hair for a few minutes. Her touch still felt comforting in an indescribable way and would take me back to those moments in my childhood.

My mother never knew how powerful those touches were or how they comforted me like a warm blanket throughout my life.

Every time I think about those moments with my mother, it reminds me that the smallest gesture from me can mean a lifetime of sweet memories for my children.

So when I'm brushing their hair out of their eyes or rubbing their backs when they're not feeling well, I'll try to remember that even if they don't show it, they may take those moments into their adulthood as moments of love and comfort.

The Right Thing

A few weeks ago, during our nightly call, my mother and I started discussing a topic that we’ve debated before and can never agree on.

“It’s the right thing to do,” I said firmly. “The boys need me!”
“They already have you,” she pleaded. “They don’t need you every minute of every day. You have a great career where you’re respected and valued. Don’t give that up.” Then she said with a sigh, “I would have loved to do something with my life.”

My parents left their country in the middle of a revolution and came here to give their children a better life. Raising me and my two brothers in a foreign land wasn’t always easy for my mother but she never let it show. While my father went to work during the day, she stayed home to take care of us. A home that was a million miles away from everything and everyone she knew. But that didn’t stop her from putting her heart and soul into creating a loving home for us.

Every day after school, I would sit at the kitchen table and tell her my tales of junior high hardship. And I had a lot of them, being the new foreign kid in school. She would listen to me while she was preparing dinner or folding the laundry and comfort me in the best way she knew how. She would tell me how lucky I was to have a good family and remind me that I should be thankful for that, instead of seeking the approval of my classmates.

Or course, at the time, I didn’t see it that way. All I saw was that my mother didn’t understand me. I wanted desperately to fit in with the other kids. “Why can’t I go?” I would say with pre-teen angst, “everyone goes to sleepovers here, it’s NO BIG DEAL!” But she was adamant. “No sleepovers,” she would say in her heavily accented English. No boys calling the house. No TV in my room. No make-up.

I was angry a lot during those early teenage years but every day after school I would still tell her my tales and she would still listen.

I had no idea that while I was going through my life-is-so-unfair mini dramas, my mother was dealing with her own obstacles: learning a new culture, a new language, and a new way of life. Despite these hurdles, she powered through -- raising three healthy well-adjusted children.

Through those first few tough years of transition, she kept the family together, the house clean, the cloths pressed, our lives organized and had an amazing meal on the table every day. I never thought about how all that got done or if it was hard for her. I didn’t understand what it took to be a stay-at-home mom. That is until I had my own children.

To her, I’m doing it all, working and taking care of my family. But I have it so easy compared to her. She doesn’t know how much I admire her strength and the way she made it look so easy. The way she sacrificed for us every single day. They way she loved us even when we didn’t deserve that love. And the way she was there whenever we needed her. How could I express in words how much that really meant?

“You’re wrong mom,” I finally said “you did do something. You did something amazing. You were there for me and that meant everything.”

Piano Fingers

“Read the book!" "Read the BOOK!" My son keeps asking me in his very loud outside voice. As he's asking me, he's also poking me with the book. After having spent most of the day running errands, picking up after the kids, making multiple meals and squeezing in some work, I should be ready to spend some quality time with my son. But I'm not. I'm just tired. "Not now, sweetie," I say softly with a hint of frustration, "maybe later." My eyelids feel heavy and all I want to do is just lie down on my bed.

"Read me a book mommy!" He says again. They don't give up do they? I look over at him ready to say no but he's looking straight at me with his big brown eyes waiting for my response. I freeze for what seems like minutes but is only a few seconds. Then I snap out of my semi-coma and realize that my SON is asking me to read him a book and I should listen to him. So, I take a deep breath, sit down on the floor next to him and say "OK, sweetie, why don't you jump into my lap and give me the book." His face lights up and he comes tumbling towards me.

As I read the book to him (the same book I've read to him at least 100 times) I can feel him relaxing into my arms and resting the back of his head against my chin. He is concentrating on the book with singular focus. All of a sudden, as I'm reading the story, I feel his little fingers tapping against my knee as if he's playing the piano.

For a split second, I stop reading and concentrate on his fingers. The pause is too short for him to notice. I continue reading, but now most of my focus is on his little fingers and the delicate way they are connecting with my knee. With each word, the frustration and fatigue melt away and I feel the kind of pure joy only your child can give you. Without realizing it, I'm smiling as I read the end of the story. I don't want it to end. I want him to keep tapping my knee with his little soft fingers.

"Read it again mommy!" He says. "Of course, sweetie. Let's read it again."

It's A Work Call

My heart is pounding. I just got off the phone with a senior government official regarding a work matter. The fact that she's called me today means that this is a critical issue for the government and for my company. She said she couldn't discuss the full matter right now but could she call me back in an hour. I said yes. I then sat back down on the lawn chair and continued to watch my son play in the sandbox with his friend. I'm not officially working today but when you're a part time working mom, you know that there is no real "day off." At any moment you might have to switch gears.

I always find those moments surreal. When work and family intersect with such force. My heart is still pounding but as I watch my son play, it takes me a few seconds to remember why. Oh, yes, the important work matter. There was a time not long ago when I would have gone into a total tail spin if something like this happened. I would have scooped up my son and gone right home so I could get "on-line" and start making calls. I would put the work first. I would worry myself silly thinking about how the important matter de jour would play out and how I could help fix it. You see, I'm a FIXER. I take things on and I fix them. That's just what I do. I latch on to the issue with my teeth like a bulldog and don't let go until I've finished it off. Or that's what I used to do.

Today, I stayed in the lawn chair and let my son keep playing with his friend. As my mind was racing about the matter and how it would play out, my face and body sat relaxed and talked with my friend whose house we were invited to for the play date. About half an hour later, my son and I walked home holding hands. A short time after lunch, I got the call and switched full force from mommy to professional. The issue was hard and I had to make some difficult decisions and phone calls. Then I started the worrying. I had done all I could for work but my heart kept pounding and my mind kept racing.

Then I remembered all the times that a "critical" issue had popped up on one of my days off and I wasted hours worrying in front of my computer screen or checking my blackberry just to find out the next day that it had resolved itself somehow. Well, today I was not going to let that happen. I forced myself to rethink my usual routine in these situations. So I sat down with my son and started to help him build a giant tower with his favorite widgets!

Every time the "thoughts" crept into my head, I looked at my son and forced my mind to think of him instead of the work. Sometimes I would succeed and other times I failed.

In the end, I'm just happy that I succeeded part of the time and build one kick-ass tower with my son!